I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
