Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
