once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
