im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
