I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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