pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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