Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
