I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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