I wish I only lived at night.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
