I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
