You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
