He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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