i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
