ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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