mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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