If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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