My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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