dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
