he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
