Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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