I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
