Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
