I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
