peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
