yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
