I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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