Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
