Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
