When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
