I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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