Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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