I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
