now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
