It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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