dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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