I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
