I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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