they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
