420 ftw
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
