He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Randomize
