I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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