Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
