Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I deserve this hangover.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
