I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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