even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
