If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
