Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
