so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
