Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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