the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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