When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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