I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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