Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
